Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
