I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
