Cold hands, warm shart.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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