Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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