i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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