i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
