i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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