What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
