If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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