she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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