I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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