my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
