i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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