why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
