Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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