It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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