I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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