i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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