The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
