my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
