Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
