I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
