I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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