She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
