you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
