i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
