All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
