my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
