If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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