I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
