Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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