I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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