hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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