The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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