Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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