Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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