hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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