my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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