We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we're making bets on your personal life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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