Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
