I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
