Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
