i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
