And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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