Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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