I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
