Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
