Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
