i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
