my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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