your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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