I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
